April 2009 Archives

(not mine, but from http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/)

(518): Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

(954): the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.

(816): My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

(709): i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up

(718): OMG. Drunk.
(662): I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
(718): Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.

(973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

(908): the vacuum is drunk
(703): what?
(908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

(859): im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever

(516): Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

(712): She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

(773): he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving

(415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

(845): Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo

bacon + swine flu... sometimes the simple pleasures in life amuse me oh so much!

i love bacon, but suspect i wouldn't love swine flu?

and why do i keep wanting to spell flu = "flue" ????

i think that the all the shitcrap and bullshit of 2007 is done, over with, and behind me. you won't be missed.

no, not mine, gems from textsfromlastnight.com!!!

(323): i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
(818): she hot?
(323): i don't wanna talk about it

(724): Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping

(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.

(347): A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!

(786): Thats something to write home to mom about
(305): Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

(504): dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
(985): doesn't he have a girlfriend???
(504): yeah...who do you think woke us up...

(208): He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me

(708): I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
(217): Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is

(813): I can't find my pants or my car
(813): I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
(561): ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.

(215): I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

(202): if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.

(631): meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
(516): wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
(631): aww shit wrong text.

(732): Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

(609): i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day

(404): This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.

(617): Did you hit it?
(616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

you know the old saying "if everyone jumped off a bridge would you too?" no. of course not.

well what if everyone was peeing on each other. and someone who you thought was your boss told you you had to pee on each other for your own safety. would you do it?

prank caller cons kfc employees to get nekkid and whiz on each other!!!!!!! OMG LOL BEST PRANK CALL EVAARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

zac said the audio from the prank call is on youtube, i cant check it right now, but omgeeeeeeee. i would die if there was video of it out there.

it looks like jones big ass truck rental and storage has a new business venture!!! i can't wait till one opens near work! my toes are tingly with excitement!

so a little while back we had a shipping guy who made a few dumb costly mistakes and caught some flak over it. apparently one day he figured fuckit, got his paycheck for the week, went for lunch, and didn't come back.

no "take this job and shove it" not even so much as "i quit".... well he did email a few days later asking to have his final paycheck mailed.

fast forward a few weeks to today; he emailed saying he could come back and work for a buck less an hour than before. lawl!! srsly? i suppose with the current economy it could drive someone to try something so retarded in desperation for a job? anyhow it was a good laugh for everyone here!

the beach boys! "smells like sloop john B"

i'd heard about there being 2 new episodes of red dwarf where they make their way back to earth.

BJ just tweeted that ITS THIS SMEGGIN WEEKEND!!! i'll have to work on getting those BBC airwaves over here somehow.

last night i fell asleep watching some of season one and then the dvd went to the menu and now i have the red dwarf theme song burned into my skull. doh!

by MC chris

put my pickle in the tuna lololololol!!!!!

After being charged with drunk driving, Scott Allan W_____, 44, of Easton, Penn., representing himself while clad in a "Bud Light" sweatshirt, offered the judge his defense. State laws don't apply to him, W_____ said, because "I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania," and therefore he's a sovereign country who can't be prosecuted. "I'm alarmed you may be a danger to yourself and the community," Northampton County Judge Leonard Zito replied, ordering W_____ held until he undergoes drug, alcohol and psychological evaluations. "I'm not insane," W_____ said. "I've already had like five of them done in prison." (Easton Express-Times)

(swiped from "this is true")

i present to you the brain fart...

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Drink Type: Alcoholic
Drink Category: Punch / Party Drink
Drink Ingredients:
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1 fifth Everclear
1 fifth Smirnoff red label Vodka
2 L Mountain Dew
2 L Surge or sundrop
1 small bottle Lemon juice
1 pint Rum (Bacardi)
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Instructions:
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Mix all ingredients together. Slowly and gently. Works best if ice is added to punch bowl and soda's are very cold.
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